One week, two days, twenty hours, and twenty-two minutes.
That's how long it's been since Margot showed up to my dorm and told me I was going to the hospital.
I guess, even now, I still haven't fully realised the severity of a suicide attempt. I don't realise how serious it is that I tried to kill myself. In all honesty, I thought of it as just another Saturday night. But I'm wrong.
I like to think about what would've happened had I gone through with it. Had I actually taken the Tylenol instead of emailing my Acting professor. Would people have worried? Probably, a couple days later when I wasn't in class. Would people have come to my room to see if I was alright? I don't think so, I rarely get surprise visitors. Would anyone had busted down my locked door to find my unconscious (or dead) body? I have no idea. I don't really know how it feels to have people that concerned about me.
I hate to say it, but no one really seems to care anymore. The Monday after the incident, everyone who knew asked me how I was doing. They talked to me about it. They told me they would always be there for me. But it's been a while. I guess they think I'm fine now. That I'm over it. I'm sad to say I'm not. Not at all. I think about what happened every day, and even though I don't realise how serious the consequences could have been, I know enough to know it's not something one would easily recover from. Experiences like that take a long time to heal, and I need people to help me through it. I don't know if people don't care anymore, or if they're uncomfortable with having a suicidal friend, but I just need someone. I don't care if they don't know what to say or do. At the end of the day, I just need someone to hug me and tell me I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine.
My friends love me.
I have so much support here.
Why is that so hard for me to believe? Maybe my expectations are too high. Probably the result of my dreams. One night, before that Saturday, I had a dream that I was having a horrible day, and there was a knock on my door. I opened it to find one of my friends, with his bags, ready to stay with me through the night. Obviously, I've learned not to expect too much of people. I definitely don't expect people to take hour-long bus rides just to surprise me with their presence on a bad night. I just wish people would show me that they care.
